Post-Consumerist Cosmopoles

“In a thousand years, there will be no men and women, just wankers.”

-Mark Renton,


My internet home page is set to The Age Newspaper Online. I like to skim over it before reading my emails; it helps orient me for the day. Of late, however, reading The Age has begun to get me down. Apparently, I live in the quintessential Australian city, and the best, most polite word I can use to describe it is aspirational.

There’s an old joke that goes, “What’s the first thing an Australian man does after sex? He runs down the pub so he can tell his mates.” I would like to make an amendment to this – “What’s the first thing a Melbournian does after he makes some money? Buys something European and parades around in/on/around with it to show other people he’s better than they are.” This sprung into my head the other day, while I was reading an article in said newspaper about a website called ‘Things Bogan’s Like’ –

It was brought to my attention by the following article;

My first response, after reading a text drenched in the most acerbic pomposity was to think, ‘Thank God – now I will know exactly what a bogan is when I come across one. What a relief – it will allow me to accurately direct the laser-beam of my cooler-than-thou derision.’ I was secure in the knowledge that I was superior to people wearing Ed Hardy t-shirts, or those that lived in the unfashionable outer suburbs. And then, it occurred to me – perhaps I am a bogan, also. I drive a Holden, I am tattooed, I say ‘Maiiite!’ – a lot – and one of my favourite bands is Slayer. And I love kickboxing.

I read an article published before the election and inner-city voters were described as ‘post-consumerist cosmopoles’. I guess that’s what they’re calling wankers these days.

The above cartoon, published in The Age on October 26 of last year, illustrates their idea of the difference between Sydney and Melbourne. Have a close look at the wankers on the right – you now have an embodiment of the social elite to which you no doubt aspire. Again, I am reminded me of Trainspotting. Surely, those guys –Spud, Renton, Begbie and Sick Boy – are bogans. Scottish bogans, but bogans nonetheless.

Come to Melbourne, Renton – you’ll find the future is here.

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