Tinder: Advice for Women from a Man’s Perspective.


I have been opposed to using Tinder. The idea of accepting or rejecting people on the basis of their appearance seems to me (as a person aging away from the intersection of technology and culture) to be an ugly, depersonalizing, objectifying practice.

Then, of course, I found myself at home for whatever-night-in-a-row with Jane Austen, Chester Himes and Haruki Murakami and, good as they are, two of them are dead, one is Japanese and none of them are going to fuck me. Say what you like about casual sex; there is no better way to stave of the chill of existential angst.

I had considerable success with RSVP. In fact, I quite liked it. I liked the idea of getting to know people on the basis of shared interests in conjunction with their physical appeal. I also found that the epistolary format suited me very well for early skirmishes.

I noticed when I downloaded Tinder that you can, in fact, write a little profile note at the bottom of the page, which made me feel a bit better about it. I also noticed that a lot could be surmised from the photos. It is to these things my post applies.

Presented in no particular order:

  1. More than one person in a photo is a turn-off

Why in the hell does any profile photo contain more than one person? It suggests we won’t like you on your own, in addition to confusing us as to who it is we are applying to.

  1. Animals in the photo are a sign of psychosis

Photos of chicks holding up their cats are always spoken of in male-only circles as the single strongest indication of psychological malaise. Do not do this at any cost.

  1. Sunglasses / hats / half a face

Either you believe we won’t like your face if we see it, or you have something to hide. People are inclined to believe what you tell them verbally; when such information is implied, we believe it absolutely.

  1. Skolling alcohol

If you post a photo doing yoga, you like yoga. A photo in front of the Eiffel Tower, you like traveling. A pint glass with a heady amber tide pouring into your trap: you’re an alcoholic. It’s that simple.

  1. Out of focus

You’re lazy and don’t really care. In which case, why should we?

  1. No profile blurb

Profiles are conspicuously short and, from what I understand, few people will read them. However, if a man posts a photo without a profile, it implies that he is only looking for sex. When a woman does so, it implies that she doesn’t care. At this early stage, you need to care. Or we won’t.

  1. ‘If you’re looking for something casual, swipe to the left’ or some such dismissive nonsense.

Come on – it’s Tinder. The name is synonymous for largely pointless, repercussion-less ‘hook ups’. This may be my personal feeling, but I can’t decide if I want something casual or permanent until I have met you in person at least once. In the interim, we are all on here for fun. Even distraction, as its most potent, is entertaining.

The other thing is that getting to know people requires vulnerability, which is, paradoxically, the greatest test of strength. If you don’t have the courage to take someone at face value, you’re not that attractive. Everything should be casual until you have met at least once. Otherwise, you’re not looking for any man in particular. You’re actually looking for a beast of burden to be yoked to your insecurities / baggage train / life plan.

I think I underestimated Tinder. In a magazine format, you’re dealing with what Naomi Woolf, John Berger or Germaine Greer would identify as a hermetically sealed territory in which discourses are deployed to oppress / dehumanize / control / exploit. But Tinder isn’t sealed in that way. People can still get their hats, sun glasses, alcoholic beverages, cats, dogs, horses and friends in there, and to that end, they tend to give themselves away.


Slightly out of focus, but a good example nonetheless.

One Response to “Tinder: Advice for Women from a Man’s Perspective.”

  1. I love this post and couldnt agree more with all the points. After taking a break from the online dating scene and then coming back after a divorce I couldnt believe how professional women have become with photoshop / photography. I would add that men have become alot more clued in to spotting fakery. So to add to the list with my own observations.
    8. Taking a photo from above looking down onto your face we assume in real life you are overweight.
    9. The profiles with model shots only are extremely suspicious and without some real day to day photos im going to assume its either an attention seeking thing or a Nigerian dude trying to pull a scam.
    10. Be honest about what you really want. If you want to get married and have a bunch of kids say so, love Jesus then say so, love pot then say so. As Jarrod said prepare to be vulnerable or expect to waste years in a half assed relationships where these differences eventually pull you apart, single, slight bitter and a few years older.

    One final comment which I imagine most girls know but it cant be stressed enough now im in the late 30 demographic is yes your 20’s are a golden time to date and be a woman as much as your 30’s are going to be a horror show. Prepare to drop your standards considerably. I read a article recently where someone famous said a man brings his money to a relationship and a woman brings her youth. There is alot of painful truth to that statement and as much as we would like to pretend we are all noble animals well we all arent. The thirty flirty and thriving romantic comedy message is more a desperate cry for help than a reflection on reality. Like all movies its a reflection of the way we wish things were than how they actually are which is why we all watch them.

    For Jarrod I would highly recommend “The Game” as a book to read, one of the most fascinating books on male/female interaction and a must read for everyone male and female. Its alot more enjoyable after watching the “The Pickup Artist” VH1 series http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pM77Xt4rVk (I can hear Jarrod throwing up on both counts from here but trust me) In short online dating is a great starting point for eliminating hard limits such as women who smoke but it takes up alot of time and can result in connections with partners who are practically too far away. For online dating funky chicks in Australia I would suggest okcupid, for straight sex adultmatchmaker or redhotpie for women who want something serious RSVP.

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